As I prayed and asked God this morning what He would have me to speak to His people about, something I have personally been struggling a great deal with in this season of my life is feeling victimized, frustrated by a seeming sense of injustice and lack of control in circumstances that cause me to feel as if other people, places, things, & situations are in control over the outcome of my life. Speaking on this topic is going to require a great deal of vulnerability and transparency on my part, however typically when I get up not having something specific on my heart and pray and ask God to show me, I typically just put my fingers to the keyboard and type by the spirit and how the spirit leads and this is what is coming forth. So as I'm cringing inside, saying to myself, "No God, not THIS topic," I have to be obedient and trust that there is somebody specific, if not multiple people that need to know that they are not alone in their struggles and be encouraged and ministered to in this area.
If I were to go into all of the details on all of the wide variety of trials and circumstances in my life that have caused me to feel a sense of victimization and lack of control over the outcome of my life, this would become an extremely lengthy post. So I need to address some of these specific trials in seperate posts each of their own especially since the one trial most relevant in causing me to struggle with this sense of victimization is an entire ministry I plan to birth in the future and book I am writing (Fighting For Zachary, Fighting The Good Fight Of Faith: A Book Of Hope For Prodigals And The Moms Who Love Them) all on its own! :) So, for all intense purposes of my goal for this specific post, I will need to be specific enough to paint the picture to effectively minister, yet broad enough to not write my book just yet! :)
So from a detailed/broad perspective, (is there such a thing?) how have I arrived at this sense of feeling victimized and a lack of control over the outcome of my life (which in essence has produced a harvest of anger within me)? Well, looking back over the course of my 38 years of existence on Earth, I can't recall a season where there hasn't been a particular struggle in my life. Not that there has not been incredible blessing in the mix and that I have not contributed to any of these areas of struggle through my own sin, lack of wisdom, and poor decision making, but remember we're speaking in general terms for now. What my intention is NOT, is to invite you to a pitty party, where I am the guest of honor and the theme is woe is me! :) So I hope I can convey what I AM trying to say in all of my inability to do anything "right" in life. What I trust, however is that where I am unable, the Lord is absolutely able! What I am trying to convey is that often times in life in this fallen world, trial is experienced by all, and not that any one person's trial is more extraordinary than the other, but trial is experienced on different levels it seems. Some seem to go through life in this world somehow escaping tragedy or long suffering in a particular area (and praise God for it), while I'm sure you can think of others who seem to for reasons we often don't comprehend on this side of eternity, go through fire and testing through extreme and unspeakable, unfathomable, tragic circumstances.
In fact, as I write, specific people and circumstances come to mind when I speak of those extreme, unspeakable, unfathomable, unexplainable trials and tragedies. Mine are minute in comparison, but nonetheless, much of my life as I can recall has been marked by seasons of extraordinary trial and suffering. That would not only be my perspective through my lens, but what many others in my circle of influence would seem to recognize and acknowledge as well. Those same people however, have not allowed me to have a pitty party, but have spurred me on into possible ministry. It seems in practically every season of my life, there has been a particular trial to walk through...a difficult childhood, abusive relationships, becoming an unwed, teenage, single mom, the tragedy of losing my 19 year old brother to being struck by an Amtrack train, walking through drug and alcohol addiction with family and the effects that has on those that love them, having my 9 year old little boy ripped out of my arms, very literally, screaming and begging me to come to his rescue in his limited understanding as to why he was being taken from his mother due to a perverted justice system and kept from me for 8 long years due to a legal technicality, the loss that would follow as a result, of our entire lifetime of finances, savings, retirement funds, equity in homes, etc., in an 8 year legal battle to bring him back home, the turmoil that those types of circumstances can cause in a marriage and family in overflow, and most recently leaving many trials in between unmentioned, after years of laborous work rebuilding our family and finances, those who fought so hard to keep my son from me in essence saying, "Here, we've utterly destroyed him, now he's too big a casuality to us, you can have him back and fix the mess we made," and the effect that bringing such a child back into your household can have and after years of rebuilding our finances and credit from the $75,000 thrown into the wind with nothing to show for it in legal fees related to this battle, your husband being rewarded to a job well done at work in completing a project 3 months ahead of schedule and exceeding profit margins by a downsizing just before he was due & contracted to receive a profit sharing bonus for his hard and sacrificial work, also 2 months prior to being vested in the company losing all 401K and investments with the company leading us to a 4 month job search last summer that would ultimately take us right to the brink of losing our home and everything we have worked hard for over the last 18 years together and the hardship that inevitably follows a job loss such as that in which your only or best option is to rent your home to another family who can cover the mortgage, pick up at ages and in a season of family life where it is complicated to start completely over, and relocate and start over for the purpose of being employed and providing for your family. Whew! That was absolutely a run-on sentence, but it's my blog and if I want to use improper grammar, so be it! :)
Maybe you can relate to some of the mentioned trials and suffering. Maybe you have walked through something in life entirely different. Irregardless, it doesn't matter, trial is trial, suffering is suffering, pain is pain, and God is God! It's specifically the last 3 words in that previous sentence that I pray will be captured by someone (hopefully more than one) in my sharing these difficult and intimate details of my life. A concept I need to grasp hold of each and every day, often times multiple times throughout the day and I pray and invite you to journey along with me to fight the good fight of faith and walk in victory over trial and suffering.
Friend, trust me when I say, I understand suffering, I understand the harvest of anger and turmoil suffering can create as an overflow effect in every area of life. I understand the battle of the day to day fighting for faith to persevere and some days you win and many days you lose in that battle for faith. If I told you that I have arrived, I would absolutely be lying! I am ministering as much to myself as I am to you! What I can share with you are some things I have learned along the way (my entire mission statement and purpose of my ministry) and some tools we can equip ourselves with in order to not only survive trials, but walk in victory over them! The most profound result of each of these circumstances in my life has been that it has caused me to give my life over to, surrender to, rely upon for grace and sufficiency in my lack of, entrust with things that I seemingly have no control over or nobody I can entrust them to, to the One who is fully in control, able to make provisions that otherwise cannot be made by man, sustain me and hold me in the palm of His mighty hands helping me persevere, and trust that His word is true, it will not return void, and if He says this is for my good and his glory (Romans 8:28), then I have to trust that even though it doesn't "feel" good in the moment, He knows what He is doing, He is God and I am mortal man, He sees the beginning from the end and I can only see as far as the limited human eye can see, and that somehow, some way, He is absolutely going to work this out for my good and for His ultimate glory. I know that in the process of each of these trials and seasons of my life, He is molding and shaping me, He has a plan and a purpose for my life, and maybe not the way I would have chosen things, but in the way that is best, He will work it all out, and maybe not in my timing (which is always impatiently yesterday) but in His perfect timing.
That's the first step. Maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about in this One I speak of, in which case, I invite you to take that first step and make Jesus Christ the Lord and Savior of your life. There's no religious ritual or complicated procedure. You just do that...invite him into your heart, proclaim that you believe, admit you've messed up, ask Him to forgive you, make you clean, and give you a fresh slate, surrender and ask Him to take control of the wheel in your life. Then get into His word, the Bible, and begin to learn all there is to learn about Him, saturate yourself in His truth. Get into a grounded Bible believing church and around like-minded people who can journey along with you.
If you have already taken this step, a long time ago or just recently, it doesn't matter, the next step is the same. Take time on a daily basis (moment by moment if necessary) to spend time in His presence. Communicate with Him. There isn't a complicated means of doing so. Talk to Him as if He were your best friend. He is! Communicating is talking and also listening, so after you have talked to Him, be quiet. Listen to that still small voice speaking in the depth of your soul. It's likely His voice guiding, directing, comforting you! Not the self defeating voice of your 2 biggest enemies - you & the devil! You'll recognize the difference based on whether or not it lines up with the truth of His word.
Spend time in His Word and saturate yourself with the truth that lies within it. Fill your environment and surroundings on a daily basis with the positive truth that will be the sword you arm yourself with and go into battle for faith each day by communicating with Him, spending time in His Word, listen to worship & praise music, get involved with a solid bible believing church where you can be fed and spurred on, get involved and serve, find an accountability partner, someone you can entrust with your deepest struggles and call on during those difficult days to link arms and go into battle with you. You can't do it alone. Count your blessings and cultivate a harvest of thanksgiving and gratitude for every blessing in your life. Even in the midst of each of the extremely difficult circumstances that I mentioned above, no matter how hard things were, I could always find something to be thankful for, blessings that He had given me.
Finally, know that you are not a victim of circumstances or people! God is perfectly in control of your life and over your circumstances. I hope that my theololy is accurate here and that I can effectively communicate it. Hence, that reminds me, note to self, find a Pastor I trust to oversee my ministry and help me where I am lacking. God is sovereign, omnicient, omnipotent, and omnipresent, meaning He is all in control, all knowing, all powerful, all present. In knowing those facts, one big misconception that I personally have wrestled with and I know others wrestle with is that although God is in control over your circumstances, He does not necessarily CAUSE your circumstances. I personally do not believe for example that an all-loving, compassionate, all good, heavenly father, CAUSES an innocent baby to be raped, murdered, and left in a trash can to die! No more than God CAUSED my brother to stand on a train track and be struck nor did He CAUSE my son to be taken from me! It's a difficult concept to get your mind around, I'll admit. It's difficult to grasp how God can be Sovereign, meaning in control over all things, yet not be the CAUSE of many of our tragedies or trials. I myself have blamed God and I am walking through some trials with several different people right now that blame God for the pain and suffering they are experiencing. This does not go without saying that He doesn't already know before time that they will occur, they do not take Him by surprise, He is all powerful to change anything about a particular situation according to His ultimate plan and purpose. His word says that we limit Him. Meaning, He is not a Puppet Master and we are His puppets, controlling our every action or decision on strings in His hands. He has given us minds of our owns and self will. Meaning, He can perfectly, sovereignly be directing and guiding us and we can sinfully, willfully make a decision on our own against what He would have desired for us. He knows ahead of time the path we will chose and He can work through it for our good and His glory. He can also chose to allow it or stop it. Some of those things are the mysteries of God that we cannot understand in our limited human abilities. The bible says that His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts, etc. We also live in a fallen world, meaning imperfect man, sin, evil are reigning in the world in which we live. Again, He is sovereign and all powerful and in control and will ultimately be victorious over the outcome of the world, however He has given man rule over the Earth.
This concept has been extremely helpful to me in my victim mentality days when I chose to apply it and not just give in to defeat and discouragement. See, we aren't truly victims of people and circumstances! God is in control! So the best example from personal experience I can give to help you understand, because I am often confused by this myself, hence victim mentality. So take for example my son being taken from me for 8 years for no reason that a child should be taken away from his mother that even 5 different hired attorneys could comprehend or give an explanation for...evil & selfish desires of human hearts, a perverted and flawed judicial system where legal technicalities trump right and wrong, etc., seemingly prevailed. And in a sense, they did prevail. Ultimately however, the bible says that God instructs the king's heart like a watercourse, meaning He for some reason, allowed the Judge (King) in my situation to be hardened toward me, to believe evil, lies, and manipulation, to make a decision that would change and redefine the course of my entire life, based on as he stated when making his ruling, "which lawyer presented the better case," rather than right and wrong.
So in this particular situation, what were/are my choices? I can blame and be angry with God (and I'll admit it, I've done that at times)! I can fight back, seek my own purposes, vengence, etc. (I've done that too)! Not that we don't fight back and seek justice, you know what I mean. We can give up, become depressed, hopeless, live in defeat (sorry to be redundant, do that all the time)! We can self-medicate through substances, food, people, habits, self destructive behavior, busyness, stuffing emotions, etc. (yes, some of those too)! There's a never-ending list of "things" we can do to cope or not cope. What we need to do and the only thing we can do that will have any positive impact whatsoever, is acknowledge our dependence on God & actually do that...be dependent on Him on a moment by moment basis. As I said above, communicate with Him. Tell Him where you're struggling, where you're hurting, where you're angry, whatever it may be, acknowledge you can't do it and surrender it to Him. He has promised He can handle it, that our burdens are heavy but His yoke is light. Cry if you need to cry, it's ok. His word speaks to weeping and mourning. Be angry if you're angry. It's a God given emotion. His word says in your anger do not sin, not do not be angry. Let Him know the desires of your heart. He put them there to begin with (the one's that line up with His will anyway). Submit your requests and make them known to Him. He knows what you will ask before you ask it. His word says to present all of your requests WITH THANKSGIVING and they will be given to you according to His will. Never give up! That's exactly where the enemy would desire you to be - defeated! Get back up, dust yourself off, rely on His grace and sufficiency, allow Him to direct and guide your steps, allow those thorns in your life to become building blocks that can be used to grow you, mold you, shape you, into all He would have you to be. He wants the very best for you! So be released to dream big! Use the messages that have been written on your heart, your story, your testimony, your sufferings, your victories, His victories to examine your life, redefine your priorities, re-prioritize your life, reflect on what truly matters in life, count your blessings, help others, advance His Kingdom.
So how do we walk in victory over our trials, sufferings, victim mentalities? We grasp that we are not casualties of people or circumstances, even when it seems that way. God is in control and He allows the hearts of people or circumstances to be directed by His ultimate plans and purposes for our lives. There's just something in knowing that, that helps me anyway to know, ok you or this is not in control of me, God is and I can't trust such and such but I can trust God! Believe and trust that even when circumstances do not "feel" good, God is not a liar. His promise is that He works all things for the good of those who love Him, so even when we can't see the big picture, it's ok, we don't have to, we couldn't handle it if we knew it all anyway, He does, He knows what He is doing, after all, He is the One who controls the entire Universe, not me, and trust that somehow, someway, it's gonna work out, you're gonna be ok, He is with you, He loves you, He will never leave or forsake you, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put on your armor, and fight for the faith to persevere, conquer, and use your lessons in life to teach others to do the same!
