So, how do you Walk In Victory when the unfathomable happens and tragedy strikes? Is it even possible? After all, victory and tragedy do not seem to be synonomous. Some of us seem to go through an entire lifetime never experiencing tragedy to the extent that I discussed in Part 1, but all of us do go through trials to one extent or another. I am a living testimony friends, that it IS possible! It's been 17 years, it has NOT been easy, I don't think it ever will be, but I'm still standing....but by the GRACE OF GOD!!
Again I say, it is not easy! I am not gonna lie to you! On the contrary, it's extremely difficult. There is nothing that will test and try your faith more than walking through the fires and storms of life, especially those of tragic magnitude and long suffering. I struggle on a regular basis to walk undefeated in the effects this tragedy has had on my emotional and spiritual well-being. I can tell you that absent the Lord's grace and mercy in my life, I absolutely would not even be walking this well! I couldn't have gone through this storm without HIM! Where else can you truly turn in the midst of such tragedy? It's a sting so deep, it cuts through to the very core of your being. What can any person or counselor say or do to make the sting hurt less? I'm not saying that people placed in your life, even if for a season are not a gift and means of grace of the Lord to walk with you through the pain, lift you up on the days you can't lift your head, give an encouraging word, etc. What I am saying is that where else can that peace that surpasses all logical understanding come from if not the Lord? The peace in knowing somewhere in the midst of all of the pain, suffering, and confusion that this is horrific, but it's going to be ok?
I knew this source of strength, peace, comfort, this ONE I speak of, I had encountered him and searched for him throughout most of my childhood. At the age of 16, I even asked him to take over in my heart and in my life. But I was also a "normal" teenager. After all, I "knew it all," I knew what I was doing, I could do it on my own, I wanted to "have fun," do the things teenagers do, and I could worry about doing things God's way later when it was convenient for me! I mean, I knew what the Bible said, I read it, my grandparents taught me about it, I learned it in Sunday School, but surely God didn't expect us to do those things in this era?! Well, it didn't take me long to figure out that doing things my way wasn't necessarily benefitting me or those that were affected or influenced by me.
I know that at some point in the midst of the shock, the disbelief, the anger, the depression, the despair, and hopelessness, that came as a result of grieving the loss of my brother, I began to seek the solace of the Lord who I knew was in the midst of this whole thing somewhere with his mighty hand on my very life and soul. By His amazing grace, I found comfort and strength in His presence, which in turn gave me the faith and hope to continue, to endure, to persevere, to heal, and to grow. As if this particular tragedy were not enough to mold and shape me into who He would have me to be, another life changing, devastating trial would follow several years later, which for the sake of time I will share in another post very soon. Looking back on all of it now, I can see how He was the Potter and I was the clay and He was right there beside me, never leaving or forsaking me through the worst hour of it all, compelling me forward, and shaping my life for my good and His glory!
It has taken many years, 17 to be exact to even get to this point, and believe me when I say, I have so much more to grow in and learn to even remotely begin to walk in victory, especially over trials. It's a process, a process called life and it takes an entire lifetime to ever arrive at complete victory, so don't be so hard on yourself. None of us have arrived. All of our stories are still unfolding. We have to go through each Chapter, each season of joy and of pain, to get to the final destination where there is true victory. Oh, how easy it is to live a life of faith when things are going the way you would chose to have them to be, when life is comfortable. It's another story friend, when the storms of life come and you're faced with that same choice, to live a life of faith even when life takes a turn you would have never chosen or when life becomes extremely uncomfortable and unbearable.
Believe me, I have been angry! I have been mad as hell! I have pointed my finger at God! I have questioned, interrogated, screamed, yelled, wept, sometimes all at the same time! At God, at my husband, at my children, at my family, at my friends, at complete strangers for that matter! I've also been on the opposite end of the spectrum where I didn't have any fight left in me. I was depressed, overwhelmed with hopelessness, had no faith left in me to even engage in the battle and yes, even contemplated giving up all together. BUT FOR THE MIGHTY HAND OF THE LORD upholding me, not letting loose the grip he had on the very last thread of my garments as I ran as fast as I could in the other direction, I would have absolutely self destructed and who knows where I'd be. I'm glad I've never had to find out! The more hurt I felt, the more I pressed into His presence, the more angry I became, the tighter He held me in His grip, the more both of these happened simultaneously together, the more I became who He wanted me to be and I can tell you this beyond a shadow of a doubt...17 years later, He IS my very best friend, He has never abandon or forsaken me, He has been faithful, He is so patient with me, I'm a tough one that can try the patience of a saint, but He loves me still, I love Him back with all my heart, He is absolutely in control of my life, I fully trust Him no matter what...let me repeat no matter what!!
Now that I've gotten to know this One I speak of personally and intimately, I'm not talking about religion here, I'm talking about a relationship, a relationship with your maker, the lover of your soul, the One who holds your very life in the palm of His hands, the one who knows exactly the number or hairs on your head, the One who will never fail you, no matter how people or this world fail you - now that I KNOW Him, how could I point my finger?! He let's me do it, He still loves me just the same, do you still love your child when they disobey you? But I've learned that He is fully GOOD! All the time! This wasn't His will or desire for my brother or for our family! He didn't CAUSE this tragedy! Why when things fall apart is it that the best candidate for blame is God? Half the time, we don't even give Him that much credit for working in our lives anyway, but boy when it doesn't go our way, we give Him credit then, don't we?! His word says that it is His will that NONE should perish and that ALL would know Him. But His word also says that we limit Him. He works through his people and because we are human, hence fully prone to complete and absolute depravity, prone to wander, prone to exercise our free will in a fallen world where there is a very real enemy, I believe we grieve His heart! Doesn't it grieve your heart when your child makes a bad decision and you know it will bear consequences but sometimes you have to allow them to learn from their mistakes and hope that they will grow and mature into someone better for it? Why am I gonna blame God and I've walked through this question with many people who have done the same! God did not cause my brother to make a decision to stand on that train track! My brother and his friends made that choice and it grieved the heart of their Father, their Maker, the Lover of their souls.
He is absolutely omnipotent, omnicient, omnipresent, meaning He was and is absolutely all powerful, all knowing, all present, Sovereign, in control of ALL things. He could have chosen not to allow it! I don't know why He did. I know that it is not my job to question and in my analytical mind attempt to figure out His plans for this world. In tragic circumstances friend, His Word is clear. We absolutely MUST trust in His promises that, "He works ALL things for the GOOD of those who love Him! (Romans 8:28) Romans 5:3-4 says that "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope." We are sustained in our suffering by hope!
I know it was not God's DESIRE for my brother's life to end so tragically. I also know that He absolutely WILL work it all out for good! What the enemy has meant for harm, He means for good. It will probably never "feel good" for my family in suffering this loss. We would have never chosen our lives to be changed or molded in THIS way. I'll likely never find a way to utter the words, "Well for this I am grateful for what happened or for that, it was worth it." What I can say is that I count it all loss for the cause of Christ and I can say that God is merciful and faithful. He in His goodness and faithfulness drew my brother unto Himself in his earlier teenage years. Like me and like the rest of us, he continued to sin. But I believe with all my heart God had mercy on his soul, His word says that He will complete the good work He has begun so I have to trust that He did complete the good work He had begun in Greg's heart from a young age. He has been spared of the trials, suffering and hardship of this life. And through his life & death, my life has been transformed, as well as many other family members lives have been transformed and are living for what truly matters. A town full of people were effected in some way through this tragedy and who knows how lives have been transformed there. I know that through my testimony and the testimony of one of my other brothers, people have given their hearts over to the Lord and I know that God has plans for our futures to use our testimonies as a ministry to draw other's to Himself! I know that a Football and Art student at the High School we graduated from receives an award/scholarship each and every year in Greg's memory and honor. I know that funds have been donated in his honor and memory for causes like supporting a radio station that reaches thousands for Christ and that funds donated in his honor and memory are making a difference in the lives of 86 Orphans w/City of Hope Ministry in Tanzania, Africa! The list is countless as to the many ways God has used my brother's story to impact lives.
I could chose to sit here defeated and feel sorry for myself, be angry with God, self destruct and make excuses for myself, or I can chose to never allow my brother's life, death, memory, & honor be in vain and never not give God the glory for all He has accomplished through it all! Has re-visiting this dark and painful memory been easy or fun? Absolutely not! I am a "stuffer." I stuff it and try to pretend nothing ever happened and that's often times how I get through hard things that are too painful to hit head on. I did NOT want to dig this stuff up and re-visit things I am comfortable never talking about again. It has taken me days to get through it. I have had to stop and cry, recompose, pray, and trust God with the results. After all, it's not about me, it's about HIM!! That's what spurs me forward. Knowing that there is a possibility that even 1 life can be saved or changed by this story, compells me to tell it. After all, my God and my brother are worth it!!
Again I say, it is not easy! I am not gonna lie to you! On the contrary, it's extremely difficult. There is nothing that will test and try your faith more than walking through the fires and storms of life, especially those of tragic magnitude and long suffering. I struggle on a regular basis to walk undefeated in the effects this tragedy has had on my emotional and spiritual well-being. I can tell you that absent the Lord's grace and mercy in my life, I absolutely would not even be walking this well! I couldn't have gone through this storm without HIM! Where else can you truly turn in the midst of such tragedy? It's a sting so deep, it cuts through to the very core of your being. What can any person or counselor say or do to make the sting hurt less? I'm not saying that people placed in your life, even if for a season are not a gift and means of grace of the Lord to walk with you through the pain, lift you up on the days you can't lift your head, give an encouraging word, etc. What I am saying is that where else can that peace that surpasses all logical understanding come from if not the Lord? The peace in knowing somewhere in the midst of all of the pain, suffering, and confusion that this is horrific, but it's going to be ok?
I knew this source of strength, peace, comfort, this ONE I speak of, I had encountered him and searched for him throughout most of my childhood. At the age of 16, I even asked him to take over in my heart and in my life. But I was also a "normal" teenager. After all, I "knew it all," I knew what I was doing, I could do it on my own, I wanted to "have fun," do the things teenagers do, and I could worry about doing things God's way later when it was convenient for me! I mean, I knew what the Bible said, I read it, my grandparents taught me about it, I learned it in Sunday School, but surely God didn't expect us to do those things in this era?! Well, it didn't take me long to figure out that doing things my way wasn't necessarily benefitting me or those that were affected or influenced by me.
I know that at some point in the midst of the shock, the disbelief, the anger, the depression, the despair, and hopelessness, that came as a result of grieving the loss of my brother, I began to seek the solace of the Lord who I knew was in the midst of this whole thing somewhere with his mighty hand on my very life and soul. By His amazing grace, I found comfort and strength in His presence, which in turn gave me the faith and hope to continue, to endure, to persevere, to heal, and to grow. As if this particular tragedy were not enough to mold and shape me into who He would have me to be, another life changing, devastating trial would follow several years later, which for the sake of time I will share in another post very soon. Looking back on all of it now, I can see how He was the Potter and I was the clay and He was right there beside me, never leaving or forsaking me through the worst hour of it all, compelling me forward, and shaping my life for my good and His glory!
It has taken many years, 17 to be exact to even get to this point, and believe me when I say, I have so much more to grow in and learn to even remotely begin to walk in victory, especially over trials. It's a process, a process called life and it takes an entire lifetime to ever arrive at complete victory, so don't be so hard on yourself. None of us have arrived. All of our stories are still unfolding. We have to go through each Chapter, each season of joy and of pain, to get to the final destination where there is true victory. Oh, how easy it is to live a life of faith when things are going the way you would chose to have them to be, when life is comfortable. It's another story friend, when the storms of life come and you're faced with that same choice, to live a life of faith even when life takes a turn you would have never chosen or when life becomes extremely uncomfortable and unbearable.
Believe me, I have been angry! I have been mad as hell! I have pointed my finger at God! I have questioned, interrogated, screamed, yelled, wept, sometimes all at the same time! At God, at my husband, at my children, at my family, at my friends, at complete strangers for that matter! I've also been on the opposite end of the spectrum where I didn't have any fight left in me. I was depressed, overwhelmed with hopelessness, had no faith left in me to even engage in the battle and yes, even contemplated giving up all together. BUT FOR THE MIGHTY HAND OF THE LORD upholding me, not letting loose the grip he had on the very last thread of my garments as I ran as fast as I could in the other direction, I would have absolutely self destructed and who knows where I'd be. I'm glad I've never had to find out! The more hurt I felt, the more I pressed into His presence, the more angry I became, the tighter He held me in His grip, the more both of these happened simultaneously together, the more I became who He wanted me to be and I can tell you this beyond a shadow of a doubt...17 years later, He IS my very best friend, He has never abandon or forsaken me, He has been faithful, He is so patient with me, I'm a tough one that can try the patience of a saint, but He loves me still, I love Him back with all my heart, He is absolutely in control of my life, I fully trust Him no matter what...let me repeat no matter what!!
Now that I've gotten to know this One I speak of personally and intimately, I'm not talking about religion here, I'm talking about a relationship, a relationship with your maker, the lover of your soul, the One who holds your very life in the palm of His hands, the one who knows exactly the number or hairs on your head, the One who will never fail you, no matter how people or this world fail you - now that I KNOW Him, how could I point my finger?! He let's me do it, He still loves me just the same, do you still love your child when they disobey you? But I've learned that He is fully GOOD! All the time! This wasn't His will or desire for my brother or for our family! He didn't CAUSE this tragedy! Why when things fall apart is it that the best candidate for blame is God? Half the time, we don't even give Him that much credit for working in our lives anyway, but boy when it doesn't go our way, we give Him credit then, don't we?! His word says that it is His will that NONE should perish and that ALL would know Him. But His word also says that we limit Him. He works through his people and because we are human, hence fully prone to complete and absolute depravity, prone to wander, prone to exercise our free will in a fallen world where there is a very real enemy, I believe we grieve His heart! Doesn't it grieve your heart when your child makes a bad decision and you know it will bear consequences but sometimes you have to allow them to learn from their mistakes and hope that they will grow and mature into someone better for it? Why am I gonna blame God and I've walked through this question with many people who have done the same! God did not cause my brother to make a decision to stand on that train track! My brother and his friends made that choice and it grieved the heart of their Father, their Maker, the Lover of their souls.
He is absolutely omnipotent, omnicient, omnipresent, meaning He was and is absolutely all powerful, all knowing, all present, Sovereign, in control of ALL things. He could have chosen not to allow it! I don't know why He did. I know that it is not my job to question and in my analytical mind attempt to figure out His plans for this world. In tragic circumstances friend, His Word is clear. We absolutely MUST trust in His promises that, "He works ALL things for the GOOD of those who love Him! (Romans 8:28) Romans 5:3-4 says that "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope." We are sustained in our suffering by hope!
I know it was not God's DESIRE for my brother's life to end so tragically. I also know that He absolutely WILL work it all out for good! What the enemy has meant for harm, He means for good. It will probably never "feel good" for my family in suffering this loss. We would have never chosen our lives to be changed or molded in THIS way. I'll likely never find a way to utter the words, "Well for this I am grateful for what happened or for that, it was worth it." What I can say is that I count it all loss for the cause of Christ and I can say that God is merciful and faithful. He in His goodness and faithfulness drew my brother unto Himself in his earlier teenage years. Like me and like the rest of us, he continued to sin. But I believe with all my heart God had mercy on his soul, His word says that He will complete the good work He has begun so I have to trust that He did complete the good work He had begun in Greg's heart from a young age. He has been spared of the trials, suffering and hardship of this life. And through his life & death, my life has been transformed, as well as many other family members lives have been transformed and are living for what truly matters. A town full of people were effected in some way through this tragedy and who knows how lives have been transformed there. I know that through my testimony and the testimony of one of my other brothers, people have given their hearts over to the Lord and I know that God has plans for our futures to use our testimonies as a ministry to draw other's to Himself! I know that a Football and Art student at the High School we graduated from receives an award/scholarship each and every year in Greg's memory and honor. I know that funds have been donated in his honor and memory for causes like supporting a radio station that reaches thousands for Christ and that funds donated in his honor and memory are making a difference in the lives of 86 Orphans w/City of Hope Ministry in Tanzania, Africa! The list is countless as to the many ways God has used my brother's story to impact lives.
I could chose to sit here defeated and feel sorry for myself, be angry with God, self destruct and make excuses for myself, or I can chose to never allow my brother's life, death, memory, & honor be in vain and never not give God the glory for all He has accomplished through it all! Has re-visiting this dark and painful memory been easy or fun? Absolutely not! I am a "stuffer." I stuff it and try to pretend nothing ever happened and that's often times how I get through hard things that are too painful to hit head on. I did NOT want to dig this stuff up and re-visit things I am comfortable never talking about again. It has taken me days to get through it. I have had to stop and cry, recompose, pray, and trust God with the results. After all, it's not about me, it's about HIM!! That's what spurs me forward. Knowing that there is a possibility that even 1 life can be saved or changed by this story, compells me to tell it. After all, my God and my brother are worth it!!
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