Walking In Victory Over Discouragement!

Strength for the Wilderness!

From my personal devotional this morning (as circumstances unraveled in the midst):

The Israelites had been traveling through the desert wilderness to the land of promise. The way was hot, sandy and rough. There was little water. But God had promised that He would guide them and provide for them. However, like many of us, they became discouraged. If only they had trusted God's promise that he who had led would continue to lead, if only they had believed that he who had supplied would continue to supply, instead of being discouraged they would have been encouraged. Discouragement turns to encouragement when we look away from our cirucmstances and focus our eyes on the Lord.

In 1 Samuel 30 we read about David in the midst of trouble. The Amalekites had burned Ziklag, his private property and redisdence. But his distress drove him to the Lord. "But David found strength in the Lord his God" (1 Samuel 30:6). Someone has said, "To look around is to be distressed; to look within is to be depressed; to look up is to be blessed."

Today our way may be through the wilderness. It may be easy to become discouraged. Discouragement is a tool of Satan. The story is told that Satan was "going out of business." All of his tools were offered for sale. They were attractively displayed on a table. What an array - hatred, envy, jealousy, deceit! One harmless looking one, much worn, was priced higher than any of the others. "What is that tool?" someone asked. "Discouragement," was the reply. "Why is it so expensive?" Satan answered, "Because it is more useful to me than any of the others."

Will our ditress drive us to despair and discouragement or to God? May we, like David, find strength in the Lord!

Overcome-SONG

Walking In Victory - When Tragedy Strikes! Part 2

So, how do you Walk In Victory when the unfathomable happens and tragedy strikes? Is it even possible? After all, victory and tragedy do not seem to be synonomous. Some of us seem to go through an entire lifetime never experiencing tragedy to the extent that I discussed in Part 1, but all of us do go through trials to one extent or another. I am a living testimony friends, that it IS possible! It's been 17 years, it has NOT been easy, I don't think it ever will be, but I'm still standing....but by the GRACE OF GOD!!

Again I say, it is not easy! I am not gonna lie to you! On the contrary, it's extremely difficult. There is nothing that will test and try your faith more than walking through the fires and storms of life, especially those of tragic magnitude and long suffering. I struggle on a regular basis to walk undefeated in the effects this tragedy has had on my emotional and spiritual well-being. I can tell you that absent the Lord's grace and mercy in my life, I absolutely would not even be walking this well! I couldn't have gone through this storm without HIM! Where else can you truly turn in the midst of such tragedy? It's a sting so deep, it cuts through to the very core of your being. What can any person or counselor say or do to make the sting hurt less? I'm not saying that people placed in your life, even if for a season are not a gift and means of grace of the Lord to walk with you through the pain, lift you up on the days you can't lift your head, give an encouraging word, etc. What I am saying is that where else can that peace that surpasses all logical understanding come from if not the Lord? The peace in knowing somewhere in the midst of all of the pain, suffering, and confusion that this is horrific, but it's going to be ok?

I knew this source of strength, peace, comfort, this ONE I speak of, I had encountered him and searched for him throughout most of my childhood. At the age of 16, I even asked him to take over in my heart and in my life. But I was also a "normal" teenager. After all, I "knew it all," I knew what I was doing, I could do it on my own, I wanted to "have fun," do the things teenagers do, and I could worry about doing things God's way later when it was convenient for me! I mean, I knew what the Bible said, I read it, my grandparents taught me about it, I learned it in Sunday School, but surely God didn't expect us to do those things in this era?! Well, it didn't take me long to figure out that doing things my way wasn't necessarily benefitting me or those that were affected or influenced by me.

I know that at some point in the midst of the shock, the disbelief, the anger, the depression, the despair, and hopelessness, that came as a result of grieving the loss of my brother, I began to seek the solace of the Lord who I knew was in the midst of this whole thing somewhere with his mighty hand on my very life and soul. By His amazing grace, I found comfort and strength in His presence, which in turn gave me the faith and hope to continue, to endure, to persevere, to heal, and to grow. As if this particular tragedy were not enough to mold and shape me into who He would have me to be, another life changing, devastating trial would follow several years later, which for the sake of time I will share in another post very soon. Looking back on all of it now, I can see how He was the Potter and I was the clay and He was right there beside me, never leaving or forsaking me through the worst hour of it all, compelling me forward, and shaping my life for my good and His glory!

It has taken many years, 17 to be exact to even get to this point, and believe me when I say, I have so much more to grow in and learn to even remotely begin to walk in victory, especially over trials. It's a process, a process called life and it takes an entire lifetime to ever arrive at complete victory, so don't be so hard on yourself. None of us have arrived. All of our stories are still unfolding. We have to go through each Chapter, each season of joy and of pain, to get to the final destination where there is true victory. Oh, how easy it is to live a life of faith when things are going the way you would chose to have them to be, when life is comfortable. It's another story friend, when the storms of life come and you're faced with that same choice, to live a life of faith even when life takes a turn you would have never chosen or when life becomes extremely uncomfortable and unbearable.

Believe me, I have been angry! I have been mad as hell! I have pointed my finger at God! I have questioned, interrogated, screamed, yelled, wept, sometimes all at the same time! At God, at my husband, at my children, at my family, at my friends, at complete strangers for that matter! I've also been on the opposite end of the spectrum where I didn't have any fight left in me. I was depressed, overwhelmed with hopelessness, had no faith left in me to even engage in the battle and yes, even contemplated giving up all together. BUT FOR THE MIGHTY HAND OF THE LORD upholding me, not letting loose the grip he had on the very last thread of my garments as I ran as fast as I could in the other direction, I would have absolutely self destructed and who knows where I'd be. I'm glad I've never had to find out!  The more hurt I felt, the more I pressed into His presence, the more angry I became, the tighter He held me in His grip, the more both of these happened simultaneously together, the more I became who He wanted me to be and I can tell you this beyond a shadow of a doubt...17 years later, He IS my very best friend, He has never abandon or forsaken me, He has been faithful, He is so patient with me, I'm a tough one that can try the patience of a saint, but He loves me still, I love Him back with all my heart, He is absolutely in control of my life, I fully trust Him no matter what...let me repeat no matter what!!

Now that I've gotten to know this One I speak of personally and intimately, I'm not talking about religion here, I'm talking about a relationship, a relationship with your maker, the lover of your soul, the One who holds your very life in the palm of His hands, the one who knows exactly the number or hairs on your head, the One who will never fail you, no matter how people or this world fail you - now that I KNOW Him, how could I point my finger?! He let's me do it, He still loves me just the same, do you still love your child when they disobey you? But I've learned that He is fully GOOD! All the time! This wasn't His will or desire for my brother or for our family! He didn't CAUSE this tragedy! Why when things fall apart is it that the best candidate for blame is God? Half the time, we don't even give Him that much credit for working in our lives anyway, but boy when it doesn't go our way, we give Him credit then, don't we?! His word says that it is His will that NONE should perish and that ALL would know Him. But His word also says that we limit Him. He works through his people and because we are human, hence fully prone to complete and absolute depravity, prone to wander, prone to exercise our free will in a fallen world where there is a very real enemy, I believe we grieve His heart! Doesn't it grieve your heart when your child makes a bad decision and you know it will bear consequences but sometimes you have to allow them to learn from their mistakes and hope that they will grow and mature into someone better for it? Why am I gonna blame God and I've walked through this question with many people who have done the same! God did not cause my brother to make a decision to stand on that train track! My brother and his friends made that choice and it grieved the heart of their Father, their Maker, the Lover of their souls.

He is absolutely omnipotent, omnicient, omnipresent, meaning He was and is absolutely all powerful, all knowing, all present, Sovereign, in control of ALL things. He could have chosen not to allow it! I don't know why He did. I know that it is not my job to question and in my analytical mind attempt to figure out His plans for this world. In tragic circumstances friend, His Word is clear. We absolutely MUST trust in His promises that, "He works ALL things for the GOOD of those who love Him! (Romans 8:28) Romans 5:3-4 says that "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope." We are sustained in our suffering by hope!

I know it was not God's DESIRE for my brother's life to end so tragically. I also know that He absolutely WILL work it all out for good! What the enemy has meant for harm, He means for good. It will probably never "feel good" for my family in suffering this loss. We would have never chosen our lives to be changed or molded in THIS way. I'll likely never find a way to utter the words, "Well for this I am grateful for what happened or for that, it was worth it." What I can say is that I count it all loss for the cause of Christ and I can say that God is merciful and faithful. He in His goodness and faithfulness drew my brother unto Himself in his earlier teenage years. Like me and like the rest of us, he continued to sin. But I believe with all my heart God had mercy on his soul, His word says that He will complete the good work He has begun so I have to trust that He did complete the good work He had begun in Greg's heart from a young age. He has been spared of the trials, suffering and hardship of this life. And through his life & death, my life has been transformed, as well as many other family members lives have been transformed and are living for what truly matters. A town full of people were effected in some way through this tragedy and who knows how lives have been transformed there. I know that through my testimony and the testimony of one of my other brothers, people have given their hearts over to the Lord and I know that God has plans for our futures to use our testimonies as a ministry to draw other's to Himself! I know that a Football and Art student at the High School we graduated from receives an award/scholarship each and every year in Greg's memory and honor. I know that funds have been donated in his honor and memory for causes like supporting a radio station that reaches thousands for Christ and that funds donated in his honor and memory are making a difference in the lives of 86 Orphans w/City of Hope Ministry in Tanzania, Africa! The list is countless as to the many ways God has used my brother's story to impact lives.

I could chose to sit here defeated and feel sorry for myself, be angry with God, self destruct and make excuses for myself, or I can chose to never allow my brother's life, death, memory, & honor be in vain and never not give God the glory for all He has accomplished through it all! Has re-visiting this dark and painful memory been easy or fun? Absolutely not! I am a "stuffer." I stuff it and try to pretend nothing ever happened and that's often times how I get through hard things that are too painful to hit head on. I did NOT want to dig this stuff up and re-visit things I am comfortable never talking about again. It has taken me days to get through it. I have had to stop and cry, recompose, pray, and trust God with the results. After all, it's not about me, it's about HIM!! That's what spurs me forward. Knowing that there is a possibility that even 1 life can be saved or changed by this story, compells me to tell it. After all, my God and my brother are worth it!!    

Walking In Victory - When Tragedy Strikes! Part 1

Today on this very special 8th day of February would have been my brother Greg's 36th Birthday! As I reflect upon this day we once celebrated together with cake, ice cream, & gifts, I now wonder what he would have been like. What would he have chosen as a career? Would he be married? Would I have other nieces and nephews?

May I introduce you to my little brother? His name was Gregory Allen Foster, Jr. He was 2 years younger than me. We were like most siblings. We played together, played sports together, built forts together, climbed in each other's beds during thunderstorms, we fought and called each other names, but boy, Lord help the kid on the bus who called either of us that same name. We loved one another deeply and stood up for one another through thick and thin. Our lives were difficult and both brothers and I were knit together very closely as a result. We had each other. When mom and dad worked long hours, I would babysit my brothers and in some ways took on the role of care giver, getting their breakfasts, helping to get them on the school bus, helping with homework when we got back home, getting the house cleaned up, laundry done, dinner started before our parents got home from work. As we grew older, we entrusted our secrets to one another, had crushes on each other's best friends, collaborated on how to sneak in the next stray dog we found, called on one another in moments of crisis, etc. We were siblings, but we were friends!

He grew into a very tall, dark, and handsome young man. He was the brother that all my girlfriends thought was "cute!" :) He wasn't flashy, very much down to earth. From child to teen years, he was all heart. He loved family, especially our grandparents who held a special place in his heart, friends were friends for life, he was loyal, he wore his heart on his sleeve, he always stood up for the "under dog," he had a tender heart for animals, and everything he did, he did with all his heart, for better or worse! :) He had a girlfriend, who he loved deeply. He was a very gifted art student and he expressed himself through his drawings. He was also a star football player, #25, his number now officially retired, receiving awards and team captain, leading his team to state championships at the Syracuse Dome in Upstate NY.

Unfortunately, like many teens, an after game party here, back road party there led him to delve into the scene of experimentation with alcohol and marijuana. Fast forward to April 28, 1994, the day that would re-define the lives of our family, leaving us forever changed, less than 2 months prior to what would have been his high school graduation.

School was closed that particular day. Greg and some friends at some point decided to "hang out" with one another at a location they often went to near train tracks. I had just seen him and spoken with him the evening before. I had come into town for an appt to look at an apartment I was interested in renting. He was riding his bike as he often did, saw me driving down the same street, pulled up next to my car, I told him I was in a hurry, late for my appt to see this apartment but that I would stop by my mom's house nearby when finished to catch up with him. Well, as life calls, my 2 year old son, (Greg's first born nephew who he loved and babysat for often as I was a single mom working several jobs - as I said above, family was everything to him), was fussy and ready for bed after the appt, so I took him straight home rather than going to my mom's as I had told my brother and little did I know at the time, that would be my last conversation with him!

I remember explicidly as if it were just yesterday, the man I had just began dating 8 months prior at the time, now my husband of 15 years, and I were spending time together that evening. He was over at my apartment, Zachary had been put to bed for the evening and I specifically remember that we were watching "Friends" on TV which was all the rage in 1994! The phone rang and on the other end would be news so unexpected, so devastating, it would change the rest of my life as I knew it. I was told that there had been a terrible accident involving a train, my brother Greg was involved, and what I was told at the time, was that his leg had been injured, (the grace I needed in that moment to allow me to safely and sanely drive to the hospital), and that I needed to get to the hospital right away and that my family would meet me there to explain further.

From that point forward, much of what happened is very much still a blur. Somehow, again by the grace of God, and I mean that very literally, Harry and I gathered Zachary from his crib, got in the car and drove toward the hospital. We were not far down the road (this tragedy had occurred just a couple of miles from my apartment) and we began to see all of the emergency vehicle lights off in the field in the distance. I just knew something horrific was transpiring before my very eyes. An ambulance pulled out from a road that led to train tracks just before our vehicle reached that point and we would continue to follow that ambulance only several miles away to the hospital but it seemed as if we followed it for hours not knowing what exactly was going on, was my brother on board, what were the extent of his injuries, etc. To this day, I remember the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach and I recall that what I knew in the depth of my being was that I was preparing for the unfathomable.

We finally arrived at the emergency entrance of the hospital where I also was an employee. As an employee there, I knew that the ambulance for some reason was bi-passing the ambulance entrance to the emergency room and was heading toward the entrance of the morgue. There must have been a mistake. They surely did not know they had bi-passed where they needed to stop, right? Or maybe my brother wasn't on board after all. Maybe it was someone else. What would take place next, to this day almost seems to go through my mind as though it were all happening in slow motion. As I got out of my car and neared the emergency room entrance, ahead and to the right I saw my mother, laying on the street by the entrance, screaming, an agonizing scream that I will never get out of my mind with family and hospital staff gathered around her. I looked to the left and there was my father coming from the side of the hospital morgue where he had just been through the unimaginable worst parent's nightmare of identifying the body of his son. From that point forward, to be quite honest, I really have very little memory of the events that would follow.

It's difficult to describe just how completely "out of your mind" you are when tragedy such as this strikes. It's just beyond anything you could ever possibly prepare for and looking back in retrospect, it becomes apparent that in that moment of emotional shock and trauma, all things surrounding that traumtic experience become in essence, "a blur." I do vaguely remember that the several days that would follow would be marked as I robotically went through the motions in survival mode by events such as these: our small town was almost seemingly shut down, our high school closed and then re-opened with a team of grief counselors depoloyed, the newspapers displayed my brother's senior photo on the front page along with his obituary, the news and media seemingly replayed the scene over and over that would show what I came to learn was my brother's body, covered by a sheet, and all you could see were the sneakers on his feet. A sense of shock and disbelief filled my being. It was like the worst nightmare I had ever had and it was almost as if I was robotically going through the motions just knowing that I would soon wake up and find that this had all been a very bad dream. I never awoke from this nightmare and before I knew it I was sitting at my little brother's side, all that was left of his life, his coffin, cascaded with flowers, his senior photo displayed, with Harry, my stregnth at the time, my other little brother and my parents, who were highly medicated by their doctors in efforts to keep them remotely functional, as we proceeded to receive the multitudes of a receiving line blocks long! The one thing I do remember very vividly was the ride that seemed to be the longest ride of my life - the ride in the Funeral Director's car that would follow a herse, vehicles following behind with headlights on, in a line that was likely miles long for the burial service! To the final epiphany, by far the worst good-bye I have ever had to say, when all that was left to hug and kiss good-bye was his coffin, a coffin I couldn't seem to let go of, covered with the tears that have never seemed to stop flowing, just before they would lower it into the ground and all that would be left would be a grave that displayed a stone with his name on it. A grave that is still sobering to visit to this very day, 17 years later.

I will end this particular post here with Part 1, which I have specifically written in this strategic way for the purpose of sparing my very much still grieving parents the re-living of the the details surrounding this tragedy. They are my biggest fans and supporters of my ministry and faithfully follow this blog and I have asked that they not read Part 1 of this posting. God has placed a call on my life and I have very much had to rely on the grace and mercy He has supplied for me to share these places in my heart that if it were up to me, I would never chose to dig up and re-live but for the sake of ministry and obedience I will endure it, however I will not do so at their demise. If I am to effectively minister, I cannot hold back, it's important to someone to be able to connect and relate and so although believe me I have left out many details, I have shared more of them than I feel my mother and father need to re-visit. So how do you walk in victory when tragedy such as this strikes? Part 2....

Walking In Victory With Superbowl Buffalo Chicken Dip!

Buffalo Chicken Dip:

Ingredients:

2 (8 oz.) Packages Cream Cheese, softened
1 (10 oz.) Can Chunk White Chicken, drained (or equivalent of Rotisserie or Cooked Chicken)
1 Cup Ranch Dressing
1/2 - 3/4 Cup Hot Sauce (depending on how much fire you desire)! :)
Shredded Cheddar Cheese (you decide how much)! :)
Tortilla Chips

Directions:

1.) Beat Cream Cheese, Ranch Dressing, & Hot Sauce
2.) Fold in Chicken
3.) Spread mixture in Pie Plate sprayed w/Cooking Spray
4.) Bake at 350 for 15 minutes
5.) Add Shredded Cheddar to top & bake additional 10-15 minutes
6.) Serve hot w/Chips