Do you know how there are seasons of life when there definitely seems to be a common theme of the various struggles you are experiencing? When you reflect on the daily nitty gritty, the burdens and trials great and small, your weaknesses, the thorn in your side sort of stuff, the "thing" that just keeps you weighed down and keeps you defeated, I would even venture to say, the sin struggle you just can't seem to beat, if you really digested all the battles you battle on a daily basis, would there be a common theme or title you would give them in any given season? Is anyone else out there with me?
Assuming there is, and assuming that if I struggle in a particular area, especially when it seems to be a common theme in every area of life I struggle with in a given season, I would venture to say, that God is not only allowing it for my own personal growth but also because there are others that battle a common war. Although transparency in sharing a personal weakness, is never easy, I believe the Lord has prompted me out of my comfort zone because what He wants to accomplish in me, He also wants to accomplish in YOU! He wants to set us all free and wants us to Walk In Victory and then come alongside others and show them how to do the same!
Ok, so who's ready to go on this journey of self-discovery with me on a quest for freedom and victory?! Are you ready? We're better together! None of us can do it alone! So will you join me? You will?! :) Awesome! Ok, let's link arms then, and head into battle as we enter the front lines of this warfare against our souls and the landmines of our minds!
I didn't even know how to label this particular battle until recently. Its not that I only started wrestling with it recently, in fact, as I reflect back on my journey called life, I would go out on a limb and say that I have struggled in this area most of my life as I know it. I just didn't recognize how each symptom contributes to the overall diagnosis until recently, as in probably over the past year or so, as I began dodging fiery darts from every side of this common war and was faced with a choice - I could continue living defeated, which was causing a whole host of other symptoms, I was frankly at my wits end with suffering, or I could engage in the battle and fight back in my quest for the abundant and victorious life Christ paid the ultimate penalty for me to have! As with any good fight, the more I have fought back, the harder the enemy has come at me because he has been challenged and I'd be totally lying if I said there have not been set-backs or that I have it conquered. To be honest, on this side of eternity, I don't know that it will be entirely conquered, but I do believe we can fight back and take back what the enemy has stolen and Walk In Victory to the finish line!
As I faced a vicious attack against my marriage and family last year, I had no choice but to fight back! There's one area I won't let the enemy have without a fight and that's my marriage and family! There's just something about those mama claws coming out and although he knows if he attacks the institution of marriage and family, he can wipe out an entire generation, he better know that when you threaten an overprotective mama bear who takes her role very seriously, he better come armed with some very serious ammunition - and that he did!
Now, I'm surely no Job! But I would go out on a limb and say that I just may be a distant cousin!! :) Just kidding! :) The devil began trying to claim me for destruction as a child but the Lord had a bigger plan! I'm sure he began his quest from the moment I was conceived in my mother's womb, but my first memory of the battle against my very life was at the tender age of 4, when a vicious dog attack SHOULD have claimed my tiny little life, however despite my face being mangled to hamburger meat, my neck shooting blood from a jugglers vein to the tune of in a matter of mere minutes the blood loss would have been significant enough to claim my life, the doctor's claiming my future for plastic surgery to even look "normal," guess what devil? I'm still standing, but by the grace of God, no plastic surgery and but for a scar that blends pretty well with my jaw and can be covered with a little bit of makeup, I think I look pretty "normal." My husband even tells me my scar is a little "sexy!" :) My rebellious teenage son even tells me it makes me look a little, "hardcore" which I guess amps up my coolarity factor - at least in his eyes! :) I should actually be totally offended by being compared to Scarface - as a matter of fact, son, you're grounded! :) But let me tell you the truth, I sure don't "feel" very "normal" or even pretty most days when I look in the mirror and this purple scar on the side of my face that extends all the way down my neck is ALL I see, let alone, as my husband would say, sexy! I mean, let's be honest, mess with the FACE, hence the beauty of a girl, and from a very young age, I began my battle with the affliction of - INSECURITY!!!
Yep, that's the battle, did you catch it?! Ugh! (Cringing)! Like, who wants to admit THAT weakness to the world?! But you know what? That's exactly what compels me to talk about it! The fact that NOBODY is talking about it! Let's face it, if you battle insecurity, you're likely too insecure to admit, let alone, tell anyone that you're insecure! :) Truthfully, though, as I began my journey to be secure about a year ago, I first had to figure out what it was exactly that I was struggling with because I didn't know it was called insecurity! As I began researching in my, "I've had it" moment all of the different symptoms I was experiencing, low self-esteem, jealousy, mistrust, depression, anxiety, overprotectiveness, constant fear and worry over everything, I mean everything, I was emotionally and physically exhausted, I found the common theme of my problems and it was called insecurity. At first I was like, "Well, that sounds a little more sophisticated than, I'm depressed, I have low self-esteem, I'm jealous, I don't trust anyone, etc.! I'm insecure, yes, that's it, that sounds like a classier version of my battle with sin!" :)
And so the Paralegal in me went to work and began researching, analyzing, writing memorandums of law, drafting pleadings, motions, and gathering all the facts and witnesses in the case of Insecurity v. Jennifer Fox! :) Let me tell you, when the devil's the Plaintiff waging war, and you are the Defendant fighting back and you're on trial for your very life in Victory, the Almighty Judge will prevail and it's a good thing, in this particular case, He is in favor of Victory!
So, a couple of years ago, I attended this satellite type conference at my church at the time called, "So Long Insecurity - You've Been a Bad Friend To Us," by Beth Moore. To be honest, at the time, I went just because it was a women's event at my church and I typically attended those sort of things, my girlfriends were going, and hey, my husband was gonna keep the kids for the day and this was gonna be my day out, so I wasn't gonna pass up that opportunity! :) Sure, I took a lot of good notes, a lot of what was spoken on encouraged me, I took a few nuggets of application away, and primarily did what I do every time I attend a Women's, Marriage, Parenting, or Homeschooling Conference - walked away saying what I usually walk away saying, "Well, I thought I was a good wife, mother, homeschooler, etc., until I was just informed of the "right" way to do things and now I realize, I'm really missing the mark!" It was something like this, "I didn't even know what insecurity was, I just attended this thing cuz it was for women, and now I feel, really, well, INSECURE!!" :)
To be honest, I moped around for a few days, wallowing in a sea of self pity, defeat, and INSECURITY and did what I always do after these types of conferences - filed my notes away and moved on with life, ATTEMPTING to apply what I learned but usually falling back on the good ole' reliable way I've always done things, until well, this season of attack on my marriage and family last year, and boy, did I race to the filing cabinet one day in a rude awakening!
So as I re-read my notes, I realized that Beth actually had published a book on this topic. So I asked my husband if we could put it in the budget to go spend $25 bucks on this book, assuring him that he would reap the rewards of my studying this topic! :) He drove me to the book store that day!! :) So of course, I go to the isle where those types of books should be and found precisely nothing! Please do not tell me I'm going to have to go to the customer service line in front of all those people and ask if I can order the book, "So Long INSECURITY!!!" How embarrassing! But I did what all desperate people do, I swallowed the pill of humility and asked. Of course the customer service person looks it up in the system which shows there should be 1 copy of the book in store and was more than willing to personally walk me to the section where there was 1 copy of the book left - of course, misplaced! Figures! :) Now that everyone around me knew I was INSECURE!!! :) Of course it's one of those Saturdays when you're just doing chores, running errands, and find absolutely NO need to dress in anything other than baggie sweatpants, your husbands oversized sweatshirt, hair thrown up in a big ole floppy bun on the very top of your head, no make-up, etc! :) So it's not like I felt like the most confident woman in the store as it was!! :) Where were my great big oversized, cover half my face sunglasses when I needed them?! Reaching to the top of my head where I usually "store" them, Ugh! left em on the dashboard in the vehicle! I was like, "God, this is so not even funny!" :)
So I go to the check-out! How embarrassing! The line seemed a mile long, it felt as if everyone was trying to read the cover of the book I was purchasing, so I flip it over so the ginormous letters spelling INSECURITY weren't showing on the front cover only to find the back cover reading the following:
"You're considering this book because you saw the word insecurity...and all your buried insecurities surfaced. You know you're insecure. So either you rushed to snatch the book up, not caring who saw, or you casually strolled over, hoping no one would see you as you slyly picked it up. You know you need help. (You're not alone.) Maybe you're okay for the most part...but there are those insecurities you could work on. Things could be better. You're wondering, Can I really say, "So long" to my insecurities? (Yes, you can.) Or maybe you're just curious. You're fine. You wonder what on earth there is for so many women to be insecure about. And has Beth Moore, of all people, struggled with insecurity? (Yes, she has.) Whoever you are, this book is for you, because you have it in you to be secure!!"
Ok, so there was absolutely NO WAY to put this book on the counter to pay for it without being mortified! No matter how I set it up there for the cashier to scan and bag, the front and back cover both had me busted! The only thing more embarrassing I can think of to hand her and have her bag in front of an entire line FULL of people is something like, "Help, I'm addicted to porn!" :) :) :)
Ok, in all seriousness, so, I survived the hardest part, or so I thought, purchasing the book. Then God calls me to announce to the world...."Soooooo, I'm insecure! Who wants to journey along with me to be secure?!" :) Well, come to think of it, it could be worse! I mean, He could call me to announce something like, "Help, I'm a Homeschooling Mother Of Four And I'm Addicted To Porn!" :) Now that would be embarrassing! Btw...I'm not addicted to porn!! :) It's just an illustration! Probably a bad one at that! Now don't go startin rumors! :) Just sayin... :)
So here's what my friend Beth Moore says in the front cover of her book, and so I relay to you:
Dear Friend,
We're insecure. You and me and every woman. (I, Jenn Fox will even add, it's not just women - men are insecure too)! Lately I've been realizing more and more that chronic insecurity is a cultural epidemic, but almost no one is talking about it! And it ticks me off (me too!)
We're insecure about everything from our looks to our worth as women, (and I would add, as men too) from our relationships to our futures, and everything in between. You name it, and we're probably insecure about it.
Let's be honest here. Insecurity makes us miserable. It cripples us. It makes fools of us. It makes us feel worthless. Insecurity has been a bad friend to us. The bottom line is that it's self-sabotage.
Girlfriend, (and I would add, guys), listen to me. Our insecurities are lying to us. It doesn't have to be this way. It's time to say, "So long!" to insecurity. How? First we have to understand it, and the good news is that insecurity is understandable. The even better news is that insecurity is curable.
It's time we girls (and guys) help each other out so we can be the best wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, and friends that we can possibly be. (I, Jenn Fox would add to my guy readers - so you can be the best husbands, fathers, brothers, sons, and friends you can possibly be.) Let's have a chat, you and me, through these pages. I'd be honored if you'd join me on my quest for real, lasting, soul-deep security.
Beth (and Jenn)! :)
So for now, get your Paralegal on! Put your thinking cap on. Start reflecting, analyzing, jotting down, etc., some personal struggles. Could it be insecurity? How's that workin out for ya?! :) Then decide if you wanna join me next time as we delve into Chapter 1 together: "Mad Enough to Change!"
